i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
