I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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