My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You ruined the universe
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
