I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
