1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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