70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
