i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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