my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
even my farts smell like vagina
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
