I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize