: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
