Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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