ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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