it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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