just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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