I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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