I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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