how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize