Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
