What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
