Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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