A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
