Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
