Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
