I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
