woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
