all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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