I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
