i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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