Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
