well I can't set my house on fire every night
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
