I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
