I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
