tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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