if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You're earring is so big in my mouth
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
