I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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