Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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