now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
