apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize