He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
