I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
