how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize