Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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