and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
