there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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