Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
