New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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