Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
you made out with another girl for some wings
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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