Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize