Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
