the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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