If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
