I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
