ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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