Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
