I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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