Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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