I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
