You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
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