went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
