Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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