I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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