If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
