I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
