I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
