I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
