Where did you get a picture of my penis
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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