I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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