Sacagawea was the original milf.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
